|
1. 我要表现得像位女士
一天， 远东百货公司的女装大减价，一位看起来很高贵的中年男子想给太太买一件。但是不久他就发现自己被疯狂的女人们挤得不成样子了。 他尽力忍耐着。后来，他低下头，猛烈地舞动着手臂挤过人群。“你干嘛？”有人在尖叫，“你难道不能表现得像位绅士吗？” “听着，”他说，“我已经像绅士一样表现了一个小时。从现在起，我要表现得像位女士。”
I Am Acting Like a Lady
One day when women’s dresses were on sale at the Far East Department Store, a dignified middle-aged man decided to get his wife a piece. But he soon found himself being battered by frantic women. He stood it as long as he could; then, with head lowered and arms flailing, he plowed through the crowed. "You there!" challenged a thrill voice. "Cant you act like a gentleman?" "Listen，" he said，"I have been acting like a gentleman for an hour. From now on， I am acting like a lady."
2. 你停止打你老婆了吗?
这个故事讲的是一个咄咄逼人的辩护律师，他惯于尽量去恐吓对方的证人。
有一个证人有点倾向于在回答问题之前做冗长的解释。
“我要你回答‘是’或者‘不是’，”辩护律师怒喝道：”你没有必要就这个问题进行争论。”
“可是有些问题无法用‘是’或者‘不是’来回答。”这位证人温和地回敬他。
“不存在这样的问题!”律师厉声打断他。
“噢，”证人说：“那么请你回答这个问题：你停止打你老婆了吗？”
Have You Ceased Beating Your Wife？
This story is told of a browbeating counsel，who habitually endeavored to terrorize his opponent's witnesses．
One witness rather tended to preface his replies with lengthy explanations．
"I want‘yes’or‘no, "thundered counsel．"There is no need for you to argue the point!"
"But there are some questions which cannot be answered by‘yes’or‘no，"mildly responded the witness．
"There are not!" snapped the lawyer．
"Oh，" said the witness，"answer this then：Have you ceased beating your wife？"
3. 老虎与鹿
一只老虎抓到一头鹿.
老虎打算吃了这头鹿.鹿急忙大叫：”你不能吃我？”
老虎一楞，感到很奇怪，于是问鹿：”为什么我不能吃你？”
鹿说：”因为我是国家二级保护动物，所以，你无论如何也不能吃了我!”
老虎听完笑着说：”呵呵，那么我更应该要吃你了
鹿说：”为什么？”
“因为我是国家一级动物!”老虎得意地说。
A tiger caught a Deer
The tiger plans to eat the deer, so the deer screamed: "you can't eat me"
The tiger hesitated, feeling very strange, so he asked the deer: "why can't I eat you?
The deer said:" Because I am a protected second class animal in the country, so, no matter what you can't eat me!"
The tiger after hearing what the deer said, laughed and said "ha-ha, then I should really eat you!
Deer asked: "why?"
"Because I am a first class protected animal in the country" Tiger proudly said .
4. 慢行
老师:为什么你每天早晨都迟到?
汤姆:每当我经过学校的拐角处,僦看见一个牌子仩写着"学校----慢行".
Teacher: Why are you late for school every morning?
Tom: Every time I come to the corner, a sign says, " School-Go slow".
5. 你知道我是干什么的吗？
一天晚上，一家旅馆失火，住在这家旅馆里的人穿着睡 衣就跑了出来。
两个人站在外面，看着大火。
“在我出来之前，”其中一个说：”我跑进一些房间，找到了一大笔钱。人在恐惧中是不会想到钱的。如果有人把纸币留在火里，火就会把它烧成灰烬。所以我把我所能找到的钞票都拿走了。没有人会因为我拿走它们而变得更穷。”
“你不知道我是干什么的。”另一个说。
“你是干什么的？”
“我是警察。”
“噢!”第一个人喊了一声。他灵机一动，说：”那你知道我是干什么的？”“不知道。”警察说。
“我是个作家。我总是爱编一些从未发生过的故事。”
Do You Know My Work？
One night a hotel caught fire, and the people who were staying in it ran out in their night clothes．
Two men stood outside and looked at the fire．
"Before I came out," said one，" I ran into some of the rooms and found a lot of money. People don't think of money when they're afraid. When anyone leaves paper money in a fire, the fire burns it. So I took all the bills that I could find．No one will be poorer because I took them. "
"You don't know my work," said the other．
"What is your work."
"I'm a policeman."
"Oh!" cried the first man．He thought quickly and said，"And do you know my work？" "No，"said the policeman．
"I'm a writer. I'm always telling stories about things that never happened."
6. 欢迎您2008年光临北京
(招聘2008年北京奥运会志愿者的一次面试)
面试官：首先，请解释一下你为什么会对这一工作感兴趣？
应聘者：嗯，我认为能亲身参与像北京奥运会这样特殊的历史事件是非常有意义的。你知道，能有机会欢迎来自五湖四海的国际友人，使他们宾至如归是件多么荣幸的事啊!
面试官：很好!那么当一位外国客人向你寻求帮助时，你会怎么办？
应聘者：很简单呀，我会尽力帮助他们!如果他们是问路，我保证让他们清楚他们当前在地图上的确切位置，再告诉他们应该怎么走；如果他们需要一些娱乐建议，我就带他们到处走走看看；如果他们缺钱，我就……给他们钱!
面试官：给他们钱？你确定？为什么不先给我点呢？
应聘者：嘿嘿……对不起，我说错了。我的意思是说我会尽最大努力帮助他们。
面试官：你的想法很正确，态度也非常好。对了，如果遇到一些不太友好的客人提出一些不尽合理的要求，你会怎么处理？
应聘者：嗯，碰到这种情况，我会保持冷静，礼貌地向他解释我不能提供这类帮助的原因。请相信我，我能在既当好外国客人的称职东道主，又能维护我们中华民族的尊严、美德与名誉间找到一种平衡。
面试官：我知道这是一种十分微妙的平衡，很高兴你已经明白了这一点，你被录取了!
应聘者：真的？万岁!
面试官：放规矩点!
应聘者：哦，是!
Interviewing a volunteer for the Beijing 2008 Olympic Games)
Interviewer: First, would you like to explain why you are interested in this job?
Interviewee: Well, I think it’s very meaningful to participate in something as special as this; you know, to be able to welcome overseas friends and to make them feel at home, what a privilege!
Interviewer: Nice, and what will you do when an overseas guest asks for help?
Interviewee: That’s easy. I’ll just try my best to help them! If they ask for directions, I’ll make sure they know where they are on the map and then point them in the right direction. If they need suggestions for entertainment, I’ll show them around. If they are short of money, I’ll… give them money!
Interviewer: Give them money? Are you sure? Why not give me some?
Interviewee: Hehe … sorry, that’s a mistake. I meant I’ll try my best to help them.
Interviewer: You’ve got the right idea, and have a very good attitude indeed. And by the way, what will you do if you encounter some unfriendly guests that have some unreasonable requests?
Interviewee: Well, in that case, I’ll stay calm and politely explain the reason why I can’t be of more assistance. Trust me. I’ll be able to find the balance between being a good host to foreigners and maintaining the dignity, virtue and honor of our Chinese traditions.
Interviewer: I understand it’s quite a delicate balance. And I’m very happy to see that you understand this too - you are hired!
Interviewee: Really? Hoo-ray!
Interviewer: Behave yourself!
Interviewee: Oh, yes sir!
7. 荒唐的信
两个精神病专家在一次会议上碰见了。其中一个问另一个：”你最棘手的病例是什么样的?”
“我曾有过一个病人，他生活在一个纯幻想的世界里，”他的同行回答。”他坚信南美有个大富翁叔叔要留给他一笔遗产。他整天等待着从一个虚构的律师那儿收到证实信。他从不出门，无所事事，只是坐着干等。”
“结果如何?”
“经过长达8年的努力，我终于把他给治好了。可就在那时，那封荒唐的信到了……”
Ridiculous Letter
Two psychiatrists were at a convention. "What was your most difficult case? " one asked the other.
"Once I had a patient who lived in a pure fantasy world, " replied his colleague. "He believed that a wildly rich uncle in South America was going to leave him a fortune. All day long he waited for a make believe letter from a fictitious attorney. He never went out or did anything. He just sat around and waited. "
"What was the result?"
"It was an eight-year struggle, but I finally cured him. And then that stupid letter arrived... "
8. 吝啬鬼的聚会
一个出了名的吝啬鬼终于决定要请一次客了。他在向一个朋友解释怎么找到他家时说：”你上到五楼，找中间那个门，然后用你的胳膊肘按门铃。门开了之后，再用你的脚把门推开。”
“为什么要用我的肘和脚呢？”
“你的双手得拿礼物啊。天哪，你总不会空着手来吧？”吝啬鬼回答。
The mean man's party
The notorious cheap skate finally decided to have a party. Explaining to a friend how to find his apartment, he said, "Come up to 5M and ring the doorbell with your elbow. When the door open, push with your foot."
"Why use my elbow and foot?"
"Well, gosh," was the reply, "You're not coming empty-hanged, are you?"
9.对话
精神病医师：你哪里不舒服？
病人：我认为我是一只鸡。
精神病医师：这种情况从什么时候开始的？
病人：从我还是一只蛋的时候开始。
I think that I'm a chicken
Psychiatrist: What's your problem?
Patient: I think I'm a chicken.
Psychiatrist: How long has this been going on?
Patient: Ever since I was an egg!
10. 谁最懒
父亲：哎，汤姆，今天我跟你们老师谈过，现在我想问你个问题。你们班上谁最懒？
汤姆：我不知道，爸爸。
父亲：啊，不对，你知道!想想看，当别的孩子们都在做作业、写字时，谁在课堂上坐着，只是看人家做功课？
汤姆：我们老师，爸爸。
Who Is the Laziest?
Father: Well, Tom, I asked to your teacher today, and now I want to ask you a question. Who is the laziest person in your class?
Tom: I don't know, father.
Father: Oh, yes, you do! Think! When other boys and girls are doing and writing, who sits in the class and only watches how other people work?
Tom: Our teacher, father.
11. 因为他欺骗了我
老农约翰逊就要死了。他的家人都站在床边。他声音低沉地对妻子说：”我死后，我想你嫁给农夫琼斯。”
妻子说：”不，在你死后，我不能嫁给任何人。”
约翰逊：”但我希望你这么做。”
妻子：”为什么？”
约翰逊：”因为琼斯曾在一笔贩马的交易中欺骗了我。”
Because He Cheated Me Before
Old Farmer Johnson was dying. The family was standing around his bed. With a low voice he said to his wife: "When I'm dead I want you to marry farmer Jones."
Wife: "No, I can't marry anyone after you."
Johnson: "But I want you to."
Wife: "But why?"
Johnson: "Jones once cheated me in a horse deal!"
|
